Understanding behaviour

Temper tantrums are common in toddlers and normally start at around 18 months. An outburst of emotion often occurs when they become frustrated or stressed. This is all part of them growing up.

As children age, they become more able to explain their feelings and are less likely to have tantrums. But, tantrums can return during the teenage years. This can be due to hormonal changes and their desire for independence.

For some children with additional needs, tantrums may be present for a lot longer. Read our  information on behaviour, emotions and mental health for additional needs.

Responding to tantrums

No matter how old your child is, they need a caring response from the people around them.

• Help them describe their feelings. Say, "I can see you are feeling sad/cross/frustrated because..."
• Value their feelings. Let them know that you understand what they wanted or desired. For example, say, "I know you really wanted to go to..."
• Give them time to cool down. Either stay close if they're little or be nearby so they know you're there for them.
• Stay calm and offer comfort. Be someone they can rely on to stay calm, provide comfort, and offer reassurance.
• Allow them to move on. After the tantrum, help them start fresh, and let them know you love and care for them.

As children age, their language skills develop. You can then help them understand their feelings once they have calmed down. You can also explore different ways they can react in the future.

It can feel embarrassing if your child is having a tantrum in public. It may seem like everyone is watching. But remember that most parents have gone through similar situations.

If possible, find a quieter spot where you and your child can take a breather until the tantrum passes. But, if the tantrum lasts for a long time and you’re struggling, it's perfectly okay to decide to head home.

Head banging is when a baby or toddler knocks their head on a solid object. It is unlikely to be harmful and is often a way of expressing their emotions. They may be frustrated, need attention or stimulation. Some babies and toddlers use head banging as a way to ease tension.

Although it’s common, it can be distressing for a parent to watch. Speak to your GP or health visitor if your child is headbanging after the age of 3.

For some children with additional needs, headbanging may be present for a lot longer. Read our information on behaviour, emotions and mental health for additional needs.

Sharing can be challenging and it’s normal for children to feel reluctant about it. Most children begin to understand sharing by around 3 years old.

Remember your child doesn’t have to share their most treasured things. Put those special items away when other children are around. If your child feels upset because another child is playing with a special toy, you can speak to the visitor. Say, "That toy is very special to Tim. Can I keep it safe so it doesn't get lost? Tim would love to show you his train instead."

Tips to make sharing easier for your child:

• Practice sharing and taking turns through games you play together at home.
• Before meeting up with others, plan with your child about the games they can play. You can agree on what they will try to share.
• If your child becomes upset, find a quiet spot and help them express their feelings. You can say, "I understand that sharing can be tough. It makes you feel angry when Jane has the blue car."
• Try to distract them. You can suggest exploring other options. You might say, "Look, there are so many amazing toys. I wonder what else we could find. I think I saw a fantastic train over there."

Remember, sharing is a skill that develops over time, and with practice and understanding, your child will become more comfortable with it.

Many children go through phases where they bite, hit or kick. For most, this is a normal part of their development that eventually passes. But, for some children, it can become an ongoing problem. As a parent, this can be challenging and upsetting, and you may wonder how to make it stop.

When your child bites, hits, or kicks, it's their way of expressing their feelings. Figuring out what triggers this behaviour can help you prevent it from happening.

Some possible triggers include:

• frustration, jealousy, or overexcitement
• enjoyment of the sensation of biting, hitting, or kicking
• imitating behaviour they see from others in their life or on tv or computer games

Responding to your child biting, hitting or kicking

• If your child hurts you or someone else, it's important to respond right away.
• If you expect a bite, kick, or hit is about to happen, firmly say "stop." Create space between your child and the person involved. Children often respond better to "stop" than "no."
• Keep your voice calm, low, and firm. Say, "We do not bite/hit/kick. It hurts people." Try to stay calm. Children are curious about your reactions to them. They may repeat the behaviour to see how you will react.
• Give attention to the person who was hurt and use words to express their feelings. Say, "I can see that has made you sad. You're shocked that your friend hurt you, and I'm sorry this happened."
• Explain how the other person or you are feeling in the same way. Say, "I feel sad that I've been kicked. It hurt me." or "Your brother doesn't understand why he was bitten when he just wanted to play."
• You may need to take your child to a quiet place for a few moments. Keep your reaction towards them somewhat "bored" and low-key. Say, "Let's go and play nicely now." Then, distract and move on.

You may need to repeat this many times before you see any change in behaviour. Children often can't understand the link between their actions and the consequence. So, punishments rarely work.

You can try keeping a behaviour diary. Think about what happened before, during, and after the behaviour. This can help you understand the triggers. Remember to also consider the good days when you didn't see the unwanted behaviour.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Your child is not behaving this way to be mean or cause pain. They are just overwhelmed and haven't learned how to cope with these feelings just yet.