Baby loss

You and your partner will have experienced the same loss, but that does not mean you will react in the same way at the same time. It can be very confusing to try and understand this. It can make it hard for you to always support each other in the way you would like to.

Some people find they can show and talk about their feelings of grief. Others will be quiet and use distractions to try and cope with their loss.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It does not mean one of you is suffering more than the other. Accepting you are doing it differently is an important step.

Finding a way to communicate with each other makes misunderstandings less likely.

• Talk to each other and listen to how the other person is trying to deal with the loss.
• Texts, notes or emails may feel an easier way to share your feelings.
• If talking is too hard, going for a walk together, listening to music or watching TV can help you be together without the pressure to talk about your feelings all the time.
• Find ways to be physically close. This may be as simple as sitting close on the sofa or a hug before you leave the house. Some couples find sex a comfort, while others need to take it more slowly. There is no right or wrong.
• Accept that you may not be feeling the same at the same time. Some days may be better than others. Everyone needs to take a break from the strongest emotions at times.
• As time goes by you might decide to try couple counselling. Sometimes a third person can help you make sense of each other’s point of view.

It can be really hard to know how to support your children after the loss of their baby brother or sister, when you are trying to cope with your own grief. It is important that you look after yourself and get the support you need.

Read more about supporting children when a baby has died.

Friends and family can be a big support after the loss of a baby. You may have people who you can rely on during hard times, and some may have been through similar experiences.

However, not everyone will know how to respond. Some people may worry about what to say and how to help you. They may avoid you because of a fear of ‘getting it wrong’. Some might say things they intend to be comforting, but that feel upsetting or painful. Although most people are trying to be supportive, it does not make their actions or words easier to cope with.

Grief is different for everyone and can change from day to day. There may be times when you want company and support from others, and other times when you want to be alone. It is ok to do what feels right for you and to change your mind too.

Accepting support

You may find it helpful to let family and friends know what has happened, or you could ask someone close to you to let people know on your behalf.

Different people may be able to support you in different ways. Some may be better at offering practical help than emotional support. You could ask them to:

• cook a meal for you
• help with shopping
• look after your other children
• accompany you to appointments

It can also help to let people know what you need. For example, you might send a group message explaining that you:

• would like some time to yourself, or would like to see people
• want to talk about your baby, or would prefer to bring up the subject yourself when you feel ready

If someone says something hurtful you may choose to ignore it. Or, you could say, ‘I know you are trying to support me, but that really isn’t helpful to me at the moment.’

As time passes, people may ask less often about how you are coping. This can be difficult, especially when you are still grieving. It is ok to let those close to you know when you are having a bad day or a special date is approaching.